So I am back in Athens. I was positive when I came back. God is sovereign. I was blessed by my time with the guys this weekend, they are so precious and wonderful to me. I love them so much more than I have words for. They took care of Sam, they wept with him unashamedly, they held him and they held each other. We stayed together when more tragedy hit, we were just together. and it was a beautiful picture of the community I'm part of. And then I left. And then I got a call from Sam. Then I started reading the hound of the baskervilles for english, then i was with people here who dont know anybody from home and dont know why i'm acting different they dont get why i'm not myself. they ask me how i am and I'm like "umm heartbroken, lonely, confused" but they dont know how to handle that. I love Jacqueline and I love sarah and my other friends and everything but they are not the people who know Mr. Patton or Elizabeth Anne or Sam. THey don't know Casey or Kelly. They dont know my brothers and why they are so precious to me. They are not my brothers.
Than I got my math grade back, and its possible I got a 0 on something that nobody told me I had to do. And a 70 on a test that i studied for in between crying phone calls about my best friends father. I worked my tail off for that, and a 70. Then last week when I got my 94 test grade back I was super excited about it. Then today I got an email and it was like "your test grade was incorrect you got a 79" so not only was i really excited and am now disappointed but I didn't do well, so like my excitement was over something that didn't happen. I was all excited about finally doing well and oh yeah it didn't count, I didn't do well. Where the heck am I supposed to go from there.
I have commitment issues, if something is too hard or scary like hard classes or schedules or this or whatever, i really don't want to do it. Seriously, I mean i've tackled stuff before. I haven't had a choice. But College is scary. Getting bad grades gets old, having to tackle stuff gets really old. feeling like youre the only one who has to really tackle school gets old. Why do I go to UGA? why am I in college? i mean i know i have to be but then i think about 3 more years of this and I want to hide from it. Its lonely still. Like i love my friends i really do. IDK. GRRR I JUST WANT IT TO MAKE SENSE. and now i feel lame for being this weirded out by the whole thing. i'm just dumb.
I'm sad. I'm disappointed in my grades, and frustrated by the fact that they arent where they should be. Here we go Peaks and Troughs here we go...
Spring will come again
Grant us Peace Jesus Grant Us Peace
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