Its Fall :))

These are the beautiful girls that I am growing to love here in Athens,as dumb as it is i really feel like i can just be myself with them and that's such a blessing for me.
I don't have a ton to say.
ITS FALL!!!!!! and i kid you not i walked out of the study center tonight and smiled because it was a bit chilly, i wrapped my sweater a little tighter around my shoulders and felt joy and the beauty around me (yes that was my attempt at poetic). i love fall, i love the smell of chill and fire smoke. Fall smells amazing.
I love my turkey, i see her in like 4 days now? I cant wait for this weekend or the weekend after, like seriously i'm so so pumped for Knoxville. I wrote alot of what i was gonna say and than i just lost it all.
I'm learning over and over that being judgemental is so unnatractive. As somebody reminded me recently, if I don't like somebody its probaly because i just don't know them well enough.
I'm re-reading Redeaming Love, and at the same time i'm going through the actual book of Hosea and I'm loving seeing how God loves on me even when i'm oblivious.
More to come...Keep praying for those in Uganda. I'm praying for when i'm headed back to Africa, praying for guidence and Peace as i look into something I want so much, trying to want what God wants. Thanks for reading :))))

Bridge of Love

The picture above is of this bridge in Ukraine, its called the Bridge of Love. People go there and put locks on this bridge when they get married or like even just with a best friend and write their names on the lock as a symbol of solidarity. it started after they broke of from the Soviet in 1991, it was their free expression of love, that they hadn't had. I thought it was beautiful.
1 John 3: 20 "For God is greater than our hearts." Ok, so thats like Dear hannah, insert verse here, signed Jesus. Haha, but seriously. I have so many emotions, and no i'm not some irrational girl and i'm not overemotional i just feel things very deeply and i know that about myself.
Anyways last night i went to this prayer and worship thing with mostly upper classmen girls and my friend Corbin. Earlier that day there had been a few comments about me that were just supposed to be jokes but they cut pretty deep and it was pretty hard to approach those who spoke them since i knew the meant no harm. But i was pretty upset about it and my friend gave me this verse. I had also been at this worship thing with these girls, just a time of prayer and confession and support and it was so great. And than last night around 1 am or so i realized (like the stupid person that i am and should have already realized) that God is bigger than all of my emotions and my hurt. Duh i mean i knew all this but its just so true. He outlasts my tears and my self pity and my sensativity. Its pretty amazing.
I had so much fun last night seeing a movie after worship with these girls :) they are so great and I was so glad my friend Corbin made me go with her.I've been spending a lot of time here looking for food like looking to be fed amotionally that i forgot to realize than when you try to go feed (all metaphorically of course) that you get fed in return. I must poor out to have room to recieve. It was a great friday night. THanks Jesus.

I Will Not take My Love Away

Lyrics to I Will Not Take My Love Away :
I will not take my love away
When praises cease and seasons change
While the world turns the other way
I will not take my love away

I will not leave you all alone
When striving leads you far from home
And there's no yield for what you've sown
I will not leave you all alone

I will give you what you need
In plenty or in poverty
Forever, always, look to me
And I will give you what you need

I will not take my love away

incase you didn't know this by now, i'm really into music. So I'm listening to some Owl City today and this song and the one listed above totally connected
I can finally see that You're right there beside me
I am not my own, for I have been made new
Please don't let me go I desperately need You

I am not my own, for I have been made new
Please don't let me go I desperately need You .

I think they are both great and I love it when I think about Jesus singing love songs to me, like idk thats soooooo cheesy wow. But it makes me feel good and really connected to my Savior, which is sometimes really hard when tangible is something i so desperatly long for sometimes. I realized that my willingness to admit that i'm a sinner only deepens my ability to feel Gods grace. again that sounds so elementary, but oh well. I'm kinda spastic.
But i'm happy, and i'm so greatful i'm happy. I walked outside yesterday and it was the first day of fall and it was sunny and it started to smell like fall and thats like the best smell ever. Thanks to the people in my life that make me smile, you are truly a blessing. Grant us peace Jesus, Grant Us peace

Take My Love

Take my Love
"I've used my fingers now i'm down to my toes of countin the days its been since i've seen your face. its a choice we made to stretch our love across differnt states telephone calls just aint the same. telephone calls just aint the same
runnin low on love you can take some of mine
take my love
take my heart and soul
take my mind till my mind grows old
take me anywhere you want to go
so many places i need to see
from texas (georgia) and inbetween
aint no distance my heart can't take
Again the words of this guy Stephen Fryrear, they are for my darling Turkey/Rorry/ Superawesome who i got to see sunday! It was such a happy moment. THe picture of us above is when I got back from africa, its the best :)
Ok there is so much going through my head right now that I won't bore you with. Um wow ok where do i start.

"When we were children, we used to think that when we were grown-up we would no longer be vulnerable. But to grow up is to accept vulnerability...to be alive is to be vulnerable."
~Madeleine L'Engle
I'm gonna follow this with a "You don't know what you're missing until you know what you lack." I figured this out driving back to athens this weekend. Since I got to school i've missed the like vulnerable, person to person relationships i had back home. I didn't figure out that thats what i was missing until i realized thats what i was lacking.DUH HANNAH! but for me fear = being alone, being useless to the people around me, not being there when i'm needed those types of things. Those things don't happen without vulnerability, which i'm usually pretty ok at doing. At school, i've been struggling, like failing some stuff and the people around me weren't. I was ashamed to be honest and tell them I was failing, and it was so lonely. Finally I had no choice, as my friend walked in and I was kinda a wreck haha, and guess what, I wasn't alone in the not doing perfect thing. God doesn't want us to be alone. There are people in our lives who are there to share our experiences with us, God thank you for making me be vulnerable with Katy. Madeliene L'Engle's quote here just seemed so applicable. As a relational God, He wants me to not be ashamed but to search those around me out so that I can feel His love through them, why am I so forgetful.
I'm so happy the sun is out today and that its the first day of the best season of the year!!!!
thanks for bearing with my long posts :))

Feels Like Home

So after my long week, which was probly obvious from my pretty serious postings, I decided friday afternoon to go home to nashville and see my family and friends. I had/have a ton of work to do so i'm no sure if it was smart. But i needed my family and my bed.
This week has been rainy in Athens, every day i have left my room dry and come back to my room soaking wet, such is life. The above picture is from Ukraine, and it just makes me smile. Here's the thing with rain, it's beautiful. My friends and I went and puddle jumped and it was glorious, however it made me miss turkey pretty alot. I love spontanious days and I got to have a couple after a few pretty hard days for me.
I've felf very lonely as of late, and coming home was exactly what i needed. Being asked a million times 'what i like and don't like about college' made me think. College has been very hard, but it's also great. God has been so good to me, as always, but I have Christian girls around me who love me. I have all of these things and I'm so so blessed. I feel so like cheesy and silly writing this blog.
but i went back to nashville this weekend and i thought about the whole thing, maybe you do have to run sometimes, but only if you run back. That is exactly what i'm gonna do. Thus far college has told me that i'm not gonna cut it and I know that i will. No school is not my top priority, but i have been given a challenge and i will rise to this occasion. My mom, who i love so much, sings me this song, or she used to and she always tells me she thinks of me. its by mindy smith.
Tiger lily, my tiger lily
You're just wild
You're as wild as they come
So what's the trouble?
Where's the problem?
You're just a growing beautiful someone

today is not very poetic. idk I'm not super profound right now. i do however miss my turkey, i think that my spontantious trip the weekend my best friend is going out of town was one of my biggest fails hahaha. but thats ok, 11 days and i'm home again. thanks for reading. <3

I Fail at Words

Today again I must say that I fail, in general, but more specifically at words. I am struck by two things today actually alot more than that. I love a good hug, safe and warm, i miss those. I've had a couple but I miss my best friend, at perfect boyfriend height who gives the best hug ever. SHe is beautiful and knows me so well and she is so strong and I know that God is doing amazing things with her right now. I miss a couple others who just are comfortable to me, like as in the definition of comfort.
I am struck that in the same way God allows pain to everybody he also bestows his blessing certainty and promise over everyone. even me, even those in Uganda, and even people i don't like very much.
THe third thing that I am so unbelievably drawn to today are the Lyrics of a guy named Stephen Fryrear, look up his EP on Itunes its called "Heartstrings". He wrote the words and music to this song which i wish you could all hear, it is not available on Itunes.

Save our Generation
Listen closely and you might just hear
the lonely sound of a falling tear
comming down from the face of a beautiful girl
who's cryin out from the other side of the world
her body's hungry and her sould's empty
Aids has taken all her fmaily
What does this mean for you and me?
Pay attention are you listening:
She crys
save
save our
save our generation
Come and see our hearts they shine as bright as yours
just behind desperation

The songs for those who don't have a voice
and all your pain is just silent noise
until we realize what to say
we keep waiting for the world to change
less are waking up with eah sunrisewhat's ig gonna take to hear their cries
and they cry
save
save our
save our generation
come and see our hearts
they shine as bright as yours just behind desperation

A little bit of your love would soak up the tears
vanish the fears from our faces
please make it go away
everyday that I wake it's harder to take
the darkness that surrounds me
please tell me that you've found me
as we cry
Chorus
Save our save our, can you hear us calling out? time to act and the time is now hurry up before time is out on us
Save our save our save our generation

THanks for bearing with my long words. I know I seem crazy i promise its easier to read than it looks its not actually that long. <3

ABBA FATHER

I know this looks long its not i promise. I have alot to say and I realize its all pretty irrelevent, like yesterdays post haha. This for everybody I can't see face to face right now and comfort and hug and just be with. The picture above or wherever it appears is of the children that live in Bomet Kenya. THey are beautiful and precious, they are poor and week, like at the end of the day we all are. I have highlighted the Abba Father line because it stands out so bold to me in life. This Hymn is sung by Mathew Paryman Jones on an Indellible Grace II. I have been stuck on the words for days now.

Jesus, I my cross have taken,
All to leave and follow Thee.
Destitute, despised, forsaken,
Thou from hence my all shall be.
Perish every fond ambition,
All I’ve sought or hoped or known.
Yet how rich is my condition!
God and heaven are still my own.

2. Let the world despise and leave me,
They have left my Savior, too.
Human hearts and looks deceive me;
Thou art not, like them, untrue.
O while Thou dost smile upon me,
God of wisdom, love, and might,
Foes may hate and friends disown me,
Show Thy face and all is bright.

3. Man may trouble and distress me,
’Twill but drive me to Thy breast.
Life with trials hard may press me;
Heaven will bring me sweeter rest.
Oh, ’tis not in grief to harm me
While Thy love is left to me;
Oh, ’twere not in joy to charm me,
Were that joy unmixed with Thee.

4. Go, then, earthly fame and treasure,
Come disaster, scorn and pain
In Thy service, pain is pleasure,
With Thy favor, loss is gain
I have called Thee Abba Father,
I have stayed my heart on Thee
Storms may howl, and clouds may gather;
All must work for good to me.

5. Soul, then know thy full salvation
Rise o’er sin and fear and care
Joy to find in every station,
Something still to do or bear.
Think what Spirit dwells within thee,
Think what Father’s smiles are thine,
Think that Jesus died to win thee,
Child of heaven, canst thou repine.

6. Haste thee on from grace to glory,
Armed by faith, and winged by prayer.
Heaven’s eternal days before thee,
God’s own hand shall guide us there.
Soon shall close thy earthly mission,
Soon shall pass thy pilgrim days,
Hope shall change to glad fruition,
Faith to sight, and prayer to praise.

I'm Not

Today I'm overwhelmingly reminded of the things I'm not.This is not supposed to be some feel sorry for hannah thing because I'm for sure not worth that at all. I'm just feeling the need to get this all out of my head and onto paper or something like that.
I'm not normal. I can't just sit down and write and focus and be good at that stuff. I wish i didn't have to take ritalin to be as good as everybody else. I'm not an overachiever like everybody around me seems to be, and that makes me feel stupid, oh well. I wish i cared as much as they do about doing perfect on everything but I just don't. I'd rather be really good at idk not school stuff. We'll see if I am though ahah.
I'm not a wife, thats stupid i know but i'm emotional. Its not even that i want to be married or like even in a super serious relationship, its that i really miss my friends. I just wish i could have them around and take care/be taken care of by them. Just somebody who knows me super super well to be here or idk its hard to explain. Somebody i know cares about me and wants to be sitting next to me loving me as me the flawed girl that i am.
I'm not selfless, i'm not feeling beautiful right now (although i know that My Creator thinks i am 'Though Dark In You I am lovely"), i'm not humble. I'm not lots of things.
More than all of the things i'm not one stands out as most important, I'm Not ALONE. Jesus calls me back to him everyday. I wish i had some really great scripture to input here but can i just say like ummmm entire Bible. He is slowly romancing me to be His and i forget that far too quickly. I am God's Girl as I learned on that park bench in Ukraine. I'm sorry for my ramblings, and for my sounded self pity today. Its just whats in my head.

Holding Hands

Something I must make quite clear from the start, I am no writer. This blog will not be elequent or poetic, or even correctly punctuated and the spelling will be horrid. This was almost called I rarely make sense.org. However I have alot in my head and heart and I thought I'd share.
This Blog is called My hands held for several reasons.
The first is that I love the image of God holding my hand. Its a tangible image for me because I have felt the security and support and even intimacy that comes with holding hands with a loved one. It gives strength to keep moving. It brings a smile to my face just knowing somebody is there to hold my hand, standing by my side wanting to be there, no questions asked. It is something I can hold on to, litteraly, and I love that God puts me in His amazing hands and holds me so close, it truly is an amazing image.
My second reason ties into my trip to Kenya, which you will hear alot about because its on my heart constantly. However, there was a specific instance in which hand holding is particularlly relevant. There was a 2 year old girl with downs syndrom at the hospital I worked at. She had a hole in her heart. The surgeons I was with fixed that hole. She was then in the recovery unit, somewhat under my care. She was rather tempermental and unhappy. Probly felt very unsafe in with all of these foreign white people poking needles into her. I was the first one to feed her and take care of her one on one after surgery. She was precious. She was tiny and so sweet once she got used to me. After our first few encounters she began to trust me to the point where I would walk in the room and her hand would go in the air for me to hold. She'd hold my hand as tight as she could with those tiny hands until she slept or until I would walk away in which case she'd hold her hand out till i came back. The picture above is her sweet hand, precious and tiny. I would do anything I could to hold that hand again. Her name was Chellingot. I knew her simply as Peanut :)
Sorry for rambling, I do that. I'll try to be more concise in the future.