Blogging

I haven't blogged in a while. Being home is fun, and busy and Idk I jsut feel like I don't have a ton to say thats well worth anybody reading.

Being home rocks, i love love love having my car and being able to just go and see people I've known forev and just hang with my mommy (yes, you read that correctly). My mom and I played hide-and-seek in Macy's the other day. best.moment.ever. it was histerical.

Turkey turned 18 and she's a babe! her party was so much fun and thus far we've been fully enjoying this whole 18 year old thing (except i'm 19 but shhhh don't tell).

Seeing old friends is awesome, wish I had more time.
I don't want to start classes again, thats gonna be kinda lame. Oh well, can't freakin wait to see Sarah Duffy. I'm like in my room all alone (which is kinda nice) but its also kinda strange cause i'm 100% used to her bein right next to me.
I am not super relevant or interesting. I'm really just grateful right now cause Jesus is so good.
planning my life and my summer.
Seeing Sherlock Holmes made me want to be in England so bad, like next year. I can't wait to just see other parts of the world and live where He wants me to, its exciting to think ab.
much love!

Last one I swear

I never minded calling You a King
If that meant that I could count on You
To give me everything
I never thought to ask You
I always thought You knew
It was never my intention to question You
You never minded calling me a child
Well, I guess that's how I acted all the while
But You live through every tantrum, You see through every lie
Though they seem to be more common
I just wanted You to know why oh why

Unforgetful You, unforgetful
Unforgetful You, so unforgetful


ok another one from a different song sorry team I'm obsessed

I'm gonna show you a love in every language
I'm gonna speak with the words that need no form
I'm gonna give you what you never had before

Strangely out of place
There's a light filling this room
Where none would follow before
I can't deny it burns me up inside
I fan the flames to melt
Away my pride
Do I want shelter from the rain
Or the rain to wash me way?

[chorus]
I need you, I need you, I need you
I need you, I need you, I need you
You're all I'm living for

ok i may stop here but i make no promises. I'm crazy team, I'm trying to be soft haha thats an interesting phrase. oh well. Falling for you yeah I'm tryin keep the dark away

Fall In love with You

So this song is kinda where I am. Cause I want to so badly fall in love with Jesus again, and not in love with my want to be in some sort of tangible relationship. So i'm pursuing that so much.

Love Song For A Savior lyrics

In open fields of wild flowers,
she breathes the air and flies away
She thanks her Jesus for the daises and the roses
in no simple language
Someday she'll understand the meaning of it all
He's more than the laughter or the stars in the heavens
As close a heartbeat or a song on her lips
Someday she'll trust Him and learn how to see Him
Someday He'll call her and she will come running
and fall in His arms and the tears will fall down and she'll pray,

"I want to fall in love with You"

Sitting silent wearing Sunday best
The sermon echoes through the walls
A great salvation through it calls to the people
who stare into nowhere, and can't feel the chains on their souls

He's more than the laughter or the stars in the heavens
As close a heartbeat or a song on our lips
Someday we'll trust Him and learn how to see Him
Someday He'll call us and we will come running
and fall in His arms and the tears will fall down and we'll pray,

"I want to fall in love with You"

It seems too easy to call you "Savior",
Not close enough to call you "God"
So as I sit and think of words I can mention
to show my devotion

"I want to fall in love with You"

"my heart beats for You"

Hardened Heart

I have one. A hard heart that is. I've been so mad and just like gaaa i'm just not feelin it. I'm so glad that the world is happy but i'm just not like feelin it right now. I'm not broken, I'm not on fire. I'm not idk. again this peak. and more than not on fire i've been hard, which i've hated but I couldn't get myself out of it.
I'm not saying I'm totally out of it either, I have however been better. Guess what world?
I rediscovered Jars of Clay. AMAZE! I don't like most Christian music, its not that its not good its just that for the majority of my life it was pumped into me and that just doesnt sit well with me. but alas i've always loved them and i redicovered them yay:) so I'm gonna share a couple lyrics that struck me so hard and I started to feel again, a little less hard and a little brighter, a little more open and a little bit less prideful.

Hymn lyrics

Oh refuge of my hardened heart
Oh fast pursuing lover come
As angels dance 'round Your throne
My life by captured fare You own

Not silhouette of trodden faith
Nor death shall not my steps be guide
I'll pirouette upon mine grave
For in Your path I'll run and hide

[Chorus:]

Oh gaze of love so melt my pride
That I may in Your house but kneel
And in my brokenness to cry
Spring worship unto Thee

When beauty breaks the spell of pain
The bludgeoned heart shall burst in vain
But not when love be pointed king
And truth shall Thee forever reign

[Chorus]

Sweet Jesus carry me away
From cold of night, and dust of day
In ragged hour or salt worn eye
Be my desire, my well sprung lye

[Chorus x 2]

Spring worship unto Thee
Spring worship unto Thee

My brother and sister sang this song at a chapel when I was like 8 and I loved it then, I haven't listened to it in forever. and then I did...woof. read the first verse, seriously that was a 'dear hannah'- 'love Jesus' moment

CHRISTMAS CHEER!!!

So i have been to a couple parties in the past few days that had Christmas themes and I had to post a Pic. This past week has been really good here. I've been haning out with a somewhat consistent group, and aside from some stupid game playing by some girls (which i just dont tolerate, i walk away cause I want to leave girl games in hs, why do you think i hung out with mostly guys girls can be soooo dumb), these days have been aamazing. I've just been having a good time, even when i've been studying because the people i were with were fun and like have gotten over the fact that I'm quite different and its been great. I love, love love it :) so here are pictures cause it was sooo much fun :)



I dressed up as a Christmas tree, this is me plugged in at waffle house in 2 in the morning


i had a penguin onesie!

i want to fall

Gaaa its cold outside and my shoulders are sore cause my back pack weighs more than I do and I'm longing for that guy to call up and just be warm and rub my shoulders. I don't have one of those. I think that it would be so fun to have a boyfriend in college like right now. I have these friens that are dating, luke and corbin (the girl). They are precious. Like for finals he quizzed her on russian vocab, how adorable, like not gross just supportive of each other. Anyways, i'm thinking about how badly i want a boyfriend, how badly I desire that type of relationship in my life right now and I realized something that I'm not exactly proud of. Since my freshmen year of highschool basically, I have not not had that guy. Like pretty much since I can remember there has been this one guy, who was there for sure fresh and soph year, kinda junior too. But early december Jr. year I had colby... for those reading who know me take a moment and giggle about colby bahahaha that happened. ok anyways. then the other guy came back into the pic. and then I was single july to december of my sr year...then another guy...WHAT IS IT WITH ME AND WINTER?! I have a problem. Not to say that those relationships, as messed up and incredibly confusing as they are now, were not God ordained cause I know that He's been teaching me and them through those moments, but there is an unavoidable pattern. Alas, right now there is no guy, and as much as in this moment I hate it, I really dont think there will be for awhile. I don't know that for sure cause I have no idea what God wants for me right now, like seriously I.HAVE.ZERO.IDEA. but...Something tells me I'm gonna do this winter season Single...this should be new and interesting.

I don't know if you knew this about me but I talk a whole whole lot. ok. so here is one entry

and as cynical of this type of stuff ive been recently here it is. I never doubt that its amazing and beautiful and all that, I don't know. I love seeing people who believe and act on it. But i think that being in a school where Christian music and books and just like idk Christian 'talk' was the norm for the people who hurt me bad, made me a bit bitter to the whole thing. Regardless of these things, these lyrics are great. THey apply to me a lot, even when I'm hard to hear them. THey are beautiful and I need to try and put my pride away and listen.

Well you've been a mistress, my wife
Chasing lovers it won't satisfy
Won't you let me make you my bride
You will drink of my lips
And**taste new life

HEY

so I haven't posted in forever. I haven't had alot to say. Lots of people have been doing the talking and what they've had to say was more encouraging and like idk better then what has been on my mind.

A friend of mine lost his older brother about 2 weeks ago and I can't even imagine what that would be like. So for that family be praying. Their names are not important but pray. "the Lord is close to the broken hearted, He heals those who are crushed in Spirit. " Death does not make sense and there is nothing to make it better. Just try and remember that they are home, their forever home with their forever Jesus, for reals.

There has been kinda alot going on. I dont really know where to start. I'm kinda procrastinating right now so there may be a few posts. Its christmas time and sarah and I have decorated the room. Its beautiful. :) I love this time of year.

I love love love getting gifts for people, like seriously. I can't wait for my sister to open her Christmas present, she's gonna flip out. and so is her husband cause I'm giving him an awesome pic of his wife all framed and pretty ( he doesn't read this so I'm allowed to say). hahah.

Its weird coming back here after bein home but this past couple weeks have been really good in regards to friends here. Sarah and I have been getting along so well and like i've been loving hanging out with friends.

I'm still kinda not like open though. I do this like every winter. I get really hard and annoyed and cynnical to like everything. I am not feeling that amazing like overwhelming feeling where you are just like 100% in love with Jesus. I want to and I'm clinging to what I know. Its not a doubt thing. Its like in Screwtape letters, he talks about peaaks and troughs. I'm in a trough right now and I'm trying to be open to those around me not in that same place. I'm trying to be supportive and not critical. Its tough. haha oh well such is life. I'm learning

real thanks

so thankfulness. i wrote a kinda cheese ball entry about being thankful and all that. but i really am. There is so much I could say about how blessed I am and how awesome life is for me because Jesus has really given me so much more then i ever even come close to deserving. and thats just it, I deserve to die. I have zero right to be alive and functioning and like driving my own car talking on my cell phone choosing from my million pairs of shoes, none of that.

there is this part of The Hiding Place where Corrie Ten Boom is telling her sister to be greatful for the lice. Lets paint this picture here, they are in a concentration camp, everything of theirs has been taken away their clothes their family their world, they're being tortured and starved and she says "Betsy be thankful for the lice" because the lice meant that they got extra time to hide their Bible so that the guards didn't take it away. woof.
think that through again...she's giving thanks in that situation, giving thanks that she gets to keep her Bible, not that she got food or a warm jacket, not thankful because it helped her escape but thankful because she got to keep her one link left to Jesus.

That floors me.
I'm thankful that I have the opportunity to know about stuff like that. I'm thankful that Jesus is continually giving me more and more opportunities to be like that, and to learn. thankful that I have to been rejected but redeemed time and time again.

"He cannot ravish. He can only woo… the creatures are to be one with Him, but yet themselves; merely to cancel them, or assimilate them, will not serve" - C.S. Lewis The Screwtape Letters

Half Of My Heart

Unless it is mad, passionate, extraordinary love, it's a wast of time. There are too many mediocre things in life, love shouldn't be one of them
~ I have no idea who said this but I couldn't agree more.

The Lord Your God is an all consuming fire
~Deuteronomy, and other places in the Bible i haven't looked up recently. But its true.

thats all i've got today. I don't want to be lead on. I don't want somebody who maybe likes me. I don't want to get my hopes up again. I want the real thing. Thanks.

Give Thanks

I have too much to give thanks for to put it in a blog.
My family. My friends My home. All of the things that everybody says. I really am thankful. I'm lucky to have friends here and in Athens that love me. I'm lucky that I get to go to a good school.I"m thankful for a good relationship with my family, I don't know how my life would be if I didn't get along with them.

Here's what I'm really thankful for today anyways. I'm thankful that God has given me a heart for the rest of the world, as cheesy and like 'Christian magazine" as that sounds. I want to keep falling in love with that purpose in my life and with my Savior who provided it for me. I feel like its hard for me to be ocnistently pursuing what I need to in so many ways. I'm so ADD and so inconsistent in my own head that like pursuing my relationship with God is a struggle sometimes, when I allowe myself to be distracted anyways. So I'm greatful He continually loves me and pursues me consistently.

and not most of all but currently guess what i'm sooooooo excited for
IT'S CHRISTMAS TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Home

she's adorable :)


Home is not a house or a place. Home is people. Home is running from my car to the sanctuary to see Turkey and just like almost breaking when I saw her. Home is getting to chill on the couch with my brother and sister and laughing about everything...even when its not funny. Home is waking up in my bed knowing that my mom will have breakfast for me when I walk down the stairs. Thats all super cheesy but its true.
I got home sunday. It's been lovely.
Monday Turk and I did a superawesome photo shoot and I can't wait for our next one. We've been to sweet CICIS like 2 times now and I can't wait to go again at Christmas. I can't wait to get her Christmas gift/she's gonna be 18, when I talk about her like she's my daughter her being 18 makes me feel old.

Being home is so awesome. Thanks for lettting me be here Jesus, really.

If you believe that there is a Heaven and Hell, that there is a Jesus. If you believe that there is hell specifically. Like if you are sitting there ( a Christian) believing these things and that people ARE ACTUALLY GOING TO HELL, like they will be in this awful place. How much do you have to hate somebody to not share the ability to get out of this hell. How much can you just hate them to not share the salvation from this awful hell?
what is our excuse for not sharing team?
woof

All the Faint Lights

baaaaa I don't even know what to title this post hahaha.
I'm a spaz haha If you've ever met me you know that though.
I didn't take this...I just think its absolutely beautiful and I would kill to take a picture like this

Courage is not the absence of fear, but that there is something so much more important ahead than being afraid." I don't know where this is from i just like it...it also reminds me of Atticus Finch (To Kill A Mocking Bird) saying:
"It's knowing you're licked before you begin but you begin anyway and you see it through no matter what. You rarely win, but sometimes you do." thats awesome

I also had nothing to do with the production of this image but I love it.


I have been doing alot of reading and thinking and just like trying to dig deeper and in 3 places I have come across this quote. I don't know who said it but it just keeps commin up so I think God wants me to share it with everybody I can. Here is is.
"The Kingdom of Heaven is like a treasure hidden in a field. When a man found it, he hid it again, and then in his joy went and sold every thing he has and bought that field."
I don't know why i choose this verse I just do
I really had very little to do with this post and maybe thats super lame but welcome to Hannah.

This service that you perform is not only supplying the needs of God's
people but is also overflowing in many expressions of thanks to God.
2 Cor. 9:12

I love you Turk

Words Hannah

So the title of the blog is me telling myself to use my words haha.
this pic of a baby is just super adorable and I had to share it. I forget whose baby it is i took a pic of her while my mom was holding her and she was asleep.

I haven't written in awhile and I'm not even sure what i'm supposed to be saying right now.
Lots of adoption stuff going on with the people around me.

wishing i knew where i was supposed to get plugged in here. I feel like I"m kinda futile right now, but maybe that goes in with my need to be relavent and whatever. I don't know sorry team. I just see Anna is so plugged in with this great thing and I'm so proud of her soooo proud of her. I just don't have that right now. I just want to get involved and plugged into doing something, I want to be active. and I just don't know where God wants me to be doing that right now.
Oh well. Today i downloaded the application to work at a Hole In the Wall camp! Its a program where kids who are sick like with cancer or anything serious. I hope it works out idk though.
I'm praying alot about this summer. I don't know what i'm supposed to do or where I'm supposed to go, just that I'm supposed to go, very similar to what happened when I went to Ukraine. I feel like the opportunity is not just gonna drop in my lap like that one did, I'm seeking this one out till I find it and then i'm gonna go at it with everything. Thanks Jesus for helping me always.
I'm doing great though...sorta haha. I found a roommmate for next year but we are thinking we may get 2 other people to live with us...we shall see :)
thanks for reading team!

Rain down YOur love upon Me

Ginney Ownes Spring of Life...i freakin love this song
How many days, Lord, have I walked in this wilderness?
A thirsty pilgrim with no water to drink
And this barren place is making me crazy,
In my desperation I am forced to think.
Seems like I have spent so much time searching
In a dry and weary land where there's no truth.
But I think I'm finally realizing,
That my only hope of water is the
well that comes from You, so

Rain down Your love upon me
Pour out Your mercy on me
Please won't You take me to Your springs of life
Cause I'm dying for deliverance, only You can save me,
I'm waiting, won't You take me,
To Your springs of life.

Oh God, You are my God,
And my spirit seeks You,
But my flesh has failed You time and time again.
And now I've chosen this desert when Your love was waiting,
But Your stubborn child longs to understand
So I'll not waste another minute searching
In a dry and weary land where there's no truth,
'Cause I think I'm finally realizing
That my only hope of water is the
well that comes from You, So…

If You Want Me TO

I know i've posted a ton today sorry ya'll. Just keep with me

Ginny Owens, a blind piano player/singer writes/sings
The pathway is broken
And the signs are unclear
And I dont know the reason why you brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I will go through the valley
If You want me to

CHORUS:
Now I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise
You're not through with me yet
So if all of these trials bring me closer to You
I will go through the fire
If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my own
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'll never go alone

So when the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the valley
If You want me to

CARNIVAL RIDE!

Went to a carnival on friday night :) It was pretty fun. We got free funnell cake and pop corn and cotton candy...(Where was Turkey?)
but it was alot of fun. I got to hang out with some of the guys...which is fun and so much more of what I'm used to haha. My blog is all janky chronologically haha. the Carnival was great though. Don't know if i said anything about it but Beauty Will Rise is a great song. There's also this Ginny Owens (blast from the past much?) song called if you want me to...sooooo amaze. Ok Check.
I have so much work to do this week I should not be blogging. I should be lookinf for a job to make money so I can go to Uganda this summer and make my imaginings a reality. I should be doing all these things. And I'm gonna get it together. I'm here Jesus...not my will but yours. Say that over and over again to yourself Hannah...don't stop. Its not about me, maybe one day I"ll learn that.
moving on.




i'm tiny like the sun in this picture...but i try to convince mself otherwise

If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explination is that I was made for another world-i forget where i found that.If i get so frustrated with the world and myflelf but feel on fire when i'm with kids and like serving and such hos it is poosible that I"m made for this world...I'm NOT! as Anna always says so so wisely "the best is yet to come". It occured to me today that likethe throld sucks and I get so upsed and sad and angry but my like it status is when I'm helping those feeling the very same things as me. No this is world is not our home but God does have us here to make it a little better. To show how that 'beauty can rise' through Him. and I'm so greatful that He has given me the time to better his Kingdom...not always. Sometimes doing what I know Jesus would do or like acting the way that love would act makes me crazy! but I'm learning a little more each day about myself and about Jesus.

Beauty Will Rise

Thats the song i'm listening to right now and therefore became the title to my blog...i cry way too much. haha

So I've been thinking about Kenya/Tenwek like a ton! Its been exactly a year since i was thre and I miss it more than ever. Anna talked about Kingdom work being local and my momentary kingdom work in this second is to say if you are reading this go to http://www.tenwek.org/ these people are amazing. THey work so hard to heal the people in their surrounding areas, and by surrounding areas i mean like hundreds of miles away. People come to them from Uganda, Sudan, Tanzania and like everywhere. Not only do they deserve health care but they hear the word of my Father from these people who give everything of themselves to run this hospital. Ok thats my plug for them. I love you guys! Missing you so much praying for you constantly.

so...because of my best friend and because of my unbelievably consistent thoughts about this, I am now going to write about Adoption. I'm totally coppying anna bliss right now and i tots apologize she just got me thinking about it...sorry babe...and now i tangent to anna cause she's the only one that will get this. so i was about to apologize for stealing her thunder and her response was "its ok our thunders can clap at the same time and make the sky even cooler" how much cooler could your best friend be.
ok moving on. I remember my first encounter with adoption. It was a little girl named Elle, she was my best friends little sister in PA they adopted her from russia. Blonde hair and blue eyes. When she got older I would babysit her all the time, when I would her a goofball she would just respond "you're an angel". she was so preious. I miss her. I was probly about 8 when they had her Gotcha day. I was the first one at the party and the last one to leave. Not because I'm awsome but because I thought it was so cool that she didn't have parents (which i was apparently super sensative to at that time my mom says...still am) but that she didn't have parents and that somebody else was now gonna save her. She was a baby and I wouldn't put her down, i was wearing my blue paisly shirt just incase you were wonderng hahaha sorry team. ok so that was the beginning. than some friends of our adopted and like i mean it was everywhere. I've always thougth about it. Similar to what anna said, I suck at relating to my peers. I can be with children or like older women who have impacted me. I love older people who are influential and want to badly to like put into me. anyways orphans
I had a dream last week that I was married (Idk to whom) and living in Africa. My husband asleep next to me and there was a mosquito net around the bed. I was awake reading in my bed bla bla bla and this little chocolate face peered through the mosquito net and crawled up into my lap and went to sleep...then I woke up alone in my dorm room bed, no husband no baby in georgia...woof.
anyways. Orphans. I just want a bunch. I can't wait to have my own children and like teach them to love their mulit colored siblings. I am not saying this to say that like i'm awesome or like that I am so like philanthropic...I am blessed to have awareness about this topic and like experience and like I'm just so lucky.
Anna used the stat that if 8% of proclaimed Christians adopted than the orphan prblem would be solved. SOLVED!
read that again ladies and gentlemen. seriously. I hope to make a pretty big dent in that.
I'm gonna be a mom like Lorelia Gilmore...yes I just went there. Crazy and inviting her daughters boyfriends over and embarrasing the heck out of them. I'm gonna talk to fast and be all over the place and I'm gonna love those kids with everythign I have. I already do and I don't know them. I'm with you guys I dream about it, I think about it. I write about it during lecture when I'm supposed to be paying attention. I seriously just like can't get enough of wondering what its gonna be like. I just had this image of my daddy meeting his adopted grandaughter on her Gotcha day and maybe teared up a little bit. I love thinking about what that first hug will be like, haha i'm gonna cry like so much, my husband is gonna have to be a pretty patient and sturdy man to deal with my tears. I've officially written a ton. but I was in a pretty bad mood when I started this blog and I listened to Beauty will Rise and I wrote about my kids and my life with them, It doesn't get much better than that.
147millionorphans.com...praise Jesus for the kids already being fed :)))))

"There are better things ahead than any we leave behind." -C.S. Lewis

that couldn't be truer. thanks for that truth Jesus.

Mamma

Sometimes I just want to be a mother and wife. Haha i know i'm 18 I have time to grow up. I just feel like i was so designed for that facit of life and not like school or idk. In sociology today we watched a video about like inner city kids and their education and such. It made me want to go like and be a teacher and hold kids and read to them and idk just help them. I'm not amazing or anything just wishing thats what i was doin and not writing a research paper. I say this stuff like 'oh I just want to get there' or like 'when I get there that will be IT'. We talked in church last week about how like if we ever find ourselves saying "I have arrived" with something on this earth...We have missed the point. Like if I'm spending my time looking into the future and wondering about where I'm gonna be and how much better its gonna be and all that, I'm not focussing on what God has put me in right now. But sometimes being in the right now is just so flippin hard haha. I'm very pensive right now. sorry i haven't posted in forever...i've been internalizing, thats no good for me. oh well.

My emotions are all over the place. I spent the weekend in Chatta with my family and it was great. It was kinda hard to come back though. I miss turk alot.
Umm wanting to do something cause yesterday was orphan sunday! don't be passive world the difference starts with you. umm I don't know what else to say. interesting.
carries new CD came out and I love it!!! she's awesome. Songs like this is one of my favorites. I don't know what to say. I'm kinda numb right now. I HATE that feeling.
Got to talk to an old friend last night for like an hour and that was super happy.
I"m happy here though :) Really I am. Its finally getting to feel like not just a idk.

WAIT

The Wait Poem by Russel Kelfer

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cred; Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied. I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate…and the Master so gently said, “Wait.”

“Wait? You say wait?” my indignant reply. “Lord, I need answers, I need to know why! Is Your hand shortened? Or have You not heard? By faith I have asked, and I’m claiming Your word.

My future and all to which I relate hangs in the balance and You tell me to “Wait?” I’m needing a ‘yes’, a go-ahead sign. Or even a ‘no’, to which I’ll resign.

You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe, We need but to ask, and we shall receive. Lord, I’ve been asking, and this is my cry: I’m weary of asking! I need a reply.

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate as my Master replied again, “Wait.” So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut, and grumbled to God, “So, I’m waiting…for what?”

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine…and He tenderly said, “I could give you a sign. I could shake the heavens and darken the sun. I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.

I could give all you seek and pleased you would be. You’d have what you want, but you wouldn’t know Me. You’d not know the depth of My love for each saint. You’d not know the Power that I give to the faint.

You’d not learn to see through the clouds of despair; you’d not learn to trust just by knowing I’m there. You’d not know the joy of resting in Me when darkness and silence are all you can see.

You’d never experience the fullness of love when the peace of My spirit descends like a dove. You would know that I give, and I save, for a start, but you’d not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

The glow of My comfort late into the night, the faith that I give when you walk without sight. The depth that’s beyond getting just what you ask from an infinite God who makes what you have last.

You’d never know should your pain quickly flee, what it means that My grace is sufficient for thee. Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true, but oh, the loss if I lost what I’m doing in you.

So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see that the greatest of gifts is to truly know Me. And though oft My answers seem terribly late, My most precious answer of all is still ‘WAIT’.”

a friend of mine tagged me in this note on facebook. I thought it was beautiful. Please Enjoy :)

Sitting Still...

So i'm talking to my friend about traveling and like going everywhere and now I can't sit still. I just want to freaking go. But we were talkinga bout back packing and such what and I was thinking about this mountain top in Kenya that I was at awhile. ago. It was freaking breath taking.

I don't have alot to say. Really just wanted to put up these pictures. I've been studying for like a million hours and I'm just ready to go out and actually do something. Go out and at least attempt to make a difference on the world. Go out and be the women I'm supposed to be.

Today was better than I expected it to be.
Thinking about where I'm supposed to be and if the rules or the expectations matter.
Thinking about Africa and about Anna and about other friends. I think alot. Thinking about music and about holding hands. Thinking about how silly it is that i'm seriously holding on to my stuffed animal that is a lamb right now. THinking I don't want to be sitting still and how action and making a difference is more than going. Its saving and working on gettin ther and all kinds of other stuff. Sorry i'm spastic tonight. thanks for reading
hope you enjoy the pictures :)

In this Photograph We're Safe

ti in the cubburd

"I"m so happ I found Jesus"-T
" I know!!! Like seriously where the heck would I be without Him?" -H
"Like S*&^ Probs" -T

that is all I have to say today because words are just not coming well so I"m gonna post a million pics hope thats ok with ya'll


They Have amazingly pure Joy


a moment of joy in a week of like bla ( don't kill me for posting this)


This is Masha. On the last day of camp she gave me everything that she could the words "I love you in English" and her camp name tag. no words to how much joy that brought me



THis is John...again He's just precious I miss him



This is like the best picture ever...I CAN"T WAIT!!

Words...?

I talk/type/write too much. I'm sorry you guys probly think i'm insane. Wait...I am. Its ok.

Sometimes I think/dream about the future.

Anna and I were talking yesterday about our families...Like our children all different colors some adopted some not. Its a great Picture to think about them all loving each other. I know our kids will be friends. I Just love thinking about stuff liek that sometimes like how much I can't wait to love on my children. I am so built to be a mother and at the same time I love that I'm a daughter of my parents but even more of Christ.

I'm so silly as of late in my posts. I told you i'm just throwing words onto a page.

My hope is built on nothing Less
Than Jesus' blood and Rightousness

On Christ the Solid Rock I stand
ALL other ground is sinking sand

Don't Stand Still

I sat on the front porch of this coffee shop yesterday and behind me there was this man playing his guitar on the porch swing. Next to me a family read their small children Rickie Tickie Taaavii. I sipped my coffee and just smiled cause that was a great college moment.

My brain is tired of reading and thus I am now writing.

I can't sit still. I was reading Anna's blog about how when she is older she will only sti still so as to cuddle with her children and husband...that is me. I love it when her and I are on the same page. Anyways, I mean don't get me wrong I love chill nights but in general lack of movement+me does not equal haha.

I have like a million things in my head!! baaaaaa words fail me so hard chore sometimes. I will be just like thrwoing words onto a page that don't make sense for the next little bit. sorry ya'lls.
I'm trying to cut 'team' and 'fussy' out of my vocabulary its very hard.

we talked about this a couple weeks ago at RUF but I love it still. My joy can not be contingent on the moment. Our joy comes from certainty in Christ...which He gives us. How amazing is that? We should look at everything in "Subjection under his feet" yes i realize that didn't quite make sense. Bascially Hebrew 2:8 but also just like looking at everything through Him and b/c of Him. Joy...I'm so greatful

Jesus thanks for new friends and for a great weekend and for never giving me too much to stand up under.

Weekend

So after basically the stupidest week of my life...Like seriously, I'm so dumb sometimes. Anyways after that awful week my weekend was baller. I spent most of it with my friend samantha, who is like amaze. haha Friday we went to the mall...and when i say mall I mean like 10 stores configured into a mall type thing in athens haha. We aren't exactly competing with Atl over here.
Saturday Sarah and I slept till 11...I never do that, it was soooo amaze. Rooms and I are doing well and as long as I don't talk about school I manage to not compare myself to others. haha So we slept in and at that point I for sures shouldve studied but I didn't, I mean I'm in college right? So than I went out to like late lunch with my friend and her parents...awesome times.
Than i sorta studied. It was ballin. Than I went to eat with Samantha and Kelsey and other Kelsey...than we went Crusin. (ITS GREEN!!!!!!) haha cuisin consisted of driving around for like an hour and a half singing and laughing our freaking heads off. Sam you're tone deaf.
Words...Umm ok so have you ever had that feeling when people like feel like their supposed to hang out with you but like don't actually want you there? Welcome to sunday, it was so dumb. Than I went to Harry Potter 6 for 1$ and Sam came...than we went to her room and 'studied'/ watched mean girls/took a billion photo booth pics that were tots histare. This is one of them. SO that feeling of dumb was eliminated once i was with kelsy and sam and the other kelsey haha.
i love making playlists on my i tunes... so fun.
I haven't finished any of my reading. I haven't gotten nearly as much studying done as i was supposed to BOOOO for schoolwork my brain is just so tired...oh well

So...

So have you ever had that feeling when you walk up to a group of people and they're like "o she's here, we're friends with her but we really were hoping she wouldnt know we were hanging out"
yeah its awkward. Just had to share that moment cause I feel Like we've all had it sometime. I had it today...and welcome to my week.

I read some really great verses last night that were given to my by my best friend and I'm so greatful. Here they are

II Timothy 1:7
"For God gaves us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control"
and

Ephesians 3:19
"To know the love of Christ that suprasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God"
thats nice cause I have no knowledge right now, I have very little understanding and I'm just ready to feel the fullness of Christ

I don't finish sentances much.
I want to get on a plane and just be there
I'm trying to be sure that where I am is where I'm supposed to be

Gotta figure this Out

this isn't exactly me or anything i just thought the lyrics were so good. I dont have alot to say cause well I just don't. there's alot on my mind. today has been pretty sucky thus far. like since midnight last night. and I'm just gonna keep on going cause I can :)
Erin Mccarley wrote this she's freakin amazing look up her cd


I separated my heart from my head
to feel out what's inside
I don't like what I see so
I say Goodnight.

Don't wake me cause I'm dreaming
in color black and white is not my friend-
candy coated figures hold me in my bed.

I've never been so deep inside a shadow
I've never been so insecure of what I know
I've gotta figure it out
I need a story to tell.
Where's the feeling I long for
I've gotta figure it out before I lose you love.

Big city streets are calling me loud
the busy keeps me high
But this quite town is weighing me down tonight.

I know that I should stay here for a while,
listen to the sound of my shakey heart
Looking for gold in the ground.
I've never been so deep inside, a shadow
I've never been so insecure of what I know
I've gotta figure it out
I need a story to tell
Where is the feeling I long for
I've gotta figure it out before I lose You
Before I lose you- ohhh

It's not okay to make your way, to make you wonder
Why I can't hold you close and give you hope
and this will be all right.
I wanna make it right
I've gotta figure this out
I need a story to tell
Where's the feeling I long for
I've gotta figure it out
I've gotta figure this out
I need a story to tell
Before I lose you
Before I lose you
Before I lose you love

right now i'm cynical take me as that

so today was good. mostly i mean things have been a tad confusing and just like strange but i was feeling good today...the weather was great and I was like hey Jesus thanks. I went out with some fun girls and it was great. I had no criterea to be with them, I didn't ahve to watch my mouth I could talk about Jesus we laughted and itw as great. I was feeling better about my as of late lonely state.
but just kidding.

I'm here world. I'm ready. What else have you got?

God I'm listening. really I am. cause today I've got no other choice. I realize that is what you desire out of me and I know you know what I"m thinking but here I am. again in tears wondering what you are going to teach me...why you want me to feel like this. I'm thinking about idk what i'm thinking about right now my brain is moving too fast and my 8 am is gonna suck seeing that its like 3 am. I"m listening Jesus really I am.
"rejoice in your sufferings for my power is made perfect in weakness" well I'm trying Jesus. I really am, but right now I'm not quite rejoicing right now.

for any of you reading i just want to say that this is a combined effort of the world. There is no one specific thing contributing to this. I'm going to try and sleep now.

sorry for my seemingly absurd self-pity tonight
I really am ok i jus had to vent and this is where it went.

I have and always Will

I will not wear shoes at my wedding
it'd be cute if my husband (whoever he might be) called me Boo
one day I will have this...as in the picture above.
Right now Its me and Jesus and thats awesome.
Today has been an unbelievable roller coaster where things felt great and as the day ends they feel all janky but thats ok
I hate it when people leave...litterally or emotionally...or make me want to leave
peace out homes

hey world its me!

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe...
but seriously, I do.

And since I tend to put myself in this position where I feel very different from people around me I'm going to type out a list of my imperfections. I stole this from Turkey, and I'm ok with that, she would be too.

Mac and Cheese is my favorite food, i really could live off it
Chicken fingers are my other favorite...yes I like carbs thats ok with me
I watch dumb tv shows sometimes
I was/am a theater dork
I can't spell for my life, like seriously I fail.
I think there needs to be a font for sarcasm so everybody knows
People take me to seriously, I'm usually joking people
On the other hand I hate it when people don't take me seriously
I want to go to Rome, Ireland, Scottland Greece and it'd be awesome to go there with my husband, whoever he is
I think about who my husband will be, I think about the future
I hate school
I don't believe in grades, I believe in learning
I'm so ADHD someitmes its unbelievable
I pick at my lip and my cuticles all the time out of anxiety.
I hate expectations because they lead to disappointment too much of the time
I'm a bit cynical sometimes
but I'm also quite optimistic, yes I can be both
In one half of my brain I'm 25 and ready to be married, and in the other half I'm 5 and just want to believe that boys can only be friends and have cooties for the rest of my life
I'm talking about myself because as selfish as it is we all know that its thereputic
I'm amazed that Jesus loves me
Not half as confident as most people think
I'm also really confident sometimes. I hate it when I give people the ability to make me feel insecure
I'm amazed that Jesus loves me
I'm amazed that Jesus put people in my life who love me
There is no such thing as ugly and yet sometimes i stand in front of the mirror and wonder why it looks like i've got black eyes without concealer
Turkey is my best friend
Peopele say i'm irrational and overemotional, I'm not, I am just way more honest that most people are ready for
I've always thought about things differently than most.
I hate that I have to take medicine
I talk too much.
I tend to get attatched to people because I love them, I have a need to not be alone.
I'm not desperate or clingy I just don't realize that I'm annoying and seem that way sometimes.
I'm independant, i felt the need to say that after everything I just said because though I love people and love being with them, I've let them define me in the past and I had to dig myself out of that hole, more like Let Jesus dig me out of that hole and it won't happen again.
I love Gilmore Girls
I love history
music=so much of what keeps me not completely insane
Africa has seriously taken my Heart. I think about it far too much.
I take pictures, lots of them, being able to show the world how i see things is cathartic for me.
I'm silly and goofy.
I don't take myself too seriously. I laugh so much.
I'm a cryer, seriuosly I cry when I don't know what else to do.
I love musicals.
I love holding hands, more than like anything.
canada
i wish i was a dancer
i'm gonna stop writing cause i'm silly.
i'll probly put a few of these things at the bottom of every post haha sorry team

Explosions in the Sky

there is this band called Explosions in the Sky...go listen to them now. "your hand in mine"=amazing. (amaze)!

I read alot. My brain is kinda dead right now sorry team.

I've been thinking alot which means that i can't articulate because i thought and didn't write. My brain is moving so fast so i'm just trying to get it to slow down. In lou of writing today I think i'm gonna post a million pics of me and my best friend, hope you are ready guys :) Oh this is turkey. Sheda sheda sheda best eva. infact she is SUPERAWESOME! she calls me ham, she is turkey...when we are seperate all you've got is some lame ham or turkey sandwich, everybody knows that club is superior to all.
T.I. lives in the cubbord and wants us.
PANTS?!?!?!



she is sanity
windows rolled down with the heat on high stars all alligned in a runnaway sky (thats where its at with us)
she's an all american girl
loveless+publix+tears and poofy dress movies =we are the best
there are so many things i could say oooo
kiss on cheek pictures.


africa...africa...africa
we are going to live in DTF and have adventures and have fun times ;) in the courtyard by the fountain
mac and cheec+lima beans
scary movies that arent that scary
mexican food
eating icing from the jar
ginger snaps for breakfast
code red mountain dew on the bed-side table
cuddling
Christmas time family
i'll always be home on your birthday
Summer reading on the window seet.
PANTS!!!!!
i want my husband to be like that, except maybe not look like him (i forget who we were talking about hahahahaha)
georgia to tennessee and inbetween
take my love
hating the song lucky
colby callait
i can't even remember them all right now but you're so freakin awesome
i <3 her so much i run out of words for it

xooxxoxoxoxoxox

Crazy

So Ummmmmmm I'm crazy

I've spent the whole weekend with my family. Saturday night was like the total highlight because my mom my brother, a friend of ours and I stayed up in this old church singing Carol King and Let it Be with a piano and an organ and it was a total blast. THe picture is of my me and my friend elizabeth dancing. It was such a party. It made my lonely week so much better

I've been lonely and missing turkey :) She is 326 miles away. 5 hours ish. Its too far. I don't like leaving people I love so far away. I also hate being left. It just sucks. but thats ok. I'm learning how to find home here I just havent gotten there yet. I feel like i just keep walking haha. Like highschool wasn't such a party for me, and I had all these amazing expectations for College cause everybody said "oh hannah you were made for collage its gonna be the best ever foryou" and I'm just waiting for that to become a reality.

Last night me and some girls watched "the wedding date" loved it!!! It made me smile and stop making bitter comments for awhile. Sometimes i'm Cyinical.

I don't know what else to say. I'm strangly introverted as of late...i'm not sure thats good considering my wildly extroverted tendencies. haha oh well I'm about to go blog crazy so be ready world!

i love you Turk

Scared To Hold On Tight Enough

"Poster Children of Young Love
Scared TO Hold On Tight Enough"
~Steve Moakler (he's great check him out)

"When we were children, we used to think that when we were grown-up we would no longer be vulnerable. But to grow up is to accept vulnerability...to be alive is to be vulnerable."
~Madeleine L'Engle

A friend of mine sent me this thing he wrote about the problem of college. It struck me because he articulated so well what I've been trying to say for the past 2 months. Like how this is supposed to be the greatest time of my life and everything. It is also the most unsettling. I don't have a permanent home base, like Nashville is of course, but like here. I'll live in a different building every year and maybe even with different people. I don't have people who have known me for a long time. This thought was also brought about by being in Knoxville with people who I've wanted to see and people who have known me and know my story. I, along with the people around me, am so tired of having to explain myself, or feeling the need to. I feel like I worked so hard in highschool with people, tryig to find where I fit, looking for love from people. I've had my heart broken, I've hurt others, I struggled through all that. What if Im just wasting my heart again? The funny thing is that once you let yourself care about somebody they have the ability to care about you and it's beautiful, but they also have the ability to hurt you and you them. Its so often true, the dichotomy between what can be so amazing can also be so broken and hard. I'm a pretty confident self assured person, God has made me who he wants me to be and I should always be seeking His improvements but I should not apologize for my quirks. However, something about an unreturned txt or a funny look or anything always makes me think a little bit too much. Oh they've spent more time with me and now they think I'm dumb or not worth their time or are they just too busy? Am I unlikable to some people,do I lack interest? am I driving them crazy? Wow hannah really? CHILL OUT!!! haha
and then I remember or am reminded by an amazing Savior "Be Still Beloved, Know that I Know what I am Doing" and I am awestruck.
MY confidence restored, or idk I think my humility restored which is where Christ steps in and determines my steps and for that I am so greatful. We can not look to those around us, those just as broken as us, to put us back together, but instead we should walk together hand in hand to the feet of a God who is constantly trying to build us a solid stucture, constantly trying to draw us back to solidity in Him. Having faith, being certain of God becomes Joy. Being certain means being able to step back and see the big picture. Look at what Christ has always done, why would he pick right now, of all times, to stop. He wouldn't, there is no time when He will stop. Joy is being certain, as a child is within the walls of his parents home, that we are constantly loved, cared for, and watched over.

one picture is of me and my friend I just think the split is interesting because this would be such a moment to embrace or something and yet we are seperate.
The other one is of me and my two best friends, one of whom is terrified to fly so we held hands, super tight, not afraid...

HMMM

Today I am thinking too much. I am overanalyzing and I am worrying. I think about the future alot, like who my husband will be, how many kids I will have, where I will work. I worry about pushing people away by being overwhelming sometimes. I'm taking a step back and trying to take my eyes off of what is around me and looking to God, because absolutely everything eventually points to Christ.
"Luke 12:22 ; Do not be anxious about your life. ...28 If God so clothes the grass, which is alive in the fild today and tomorrow is inot the oven, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith. Instead, seed His kingdom and these things will be added to you."

Because I so quickly can forget, music is my constant reminder and this is the song for today
Abide with me; fast falls the eventide;
The darkness deepens; Lord with me abide.
When other helpers fail and comforts flee,
Help of the helpless, O abide with me.

Swift to its close ebbs out life’s little day;
Earth’s joys grow dim; its glories pass away;
Change and decay in all around I see;
O Thou who changest not, abide with me.

Not a brief glance I beg, a passing word;
But as Thou dwell’st with Thy disciples, Lord,
Familiar, condescending, patient, free.
Come not to sojourn, but abide with me.

Come not in terrors, as the King of kings,
But kind and good, with healing in Thy wings,
Tears for all woes, a heart for every plea—
Come, Friend of sinners, and thus bide with me.

Thou on my head in early youth didst smile;
And, though rebellious and perverse meanwhile,
Thou hast not left me, oft as I left Thee,
On to the close, O Lord, abide with me.

I need Thy presence every passing hour.
What but Thy grace can foil the tempter’s power?
Who, like Thyself, my guide and stay can be?
Through cloud and sunshine, Lord, abide with me.

I fear no foe, with Thee at hand to bless;
Ills have no weight, and tears no bitterness.
Where is death’s sting? Where, grave, thy victory?
I triumph still, if Thou abide with me.

Hold Thou Thy cross before my closing eyes;
Shine through the gloom and point me to the skies.
Heaven’s morning breaks, and earth’s vain shadows flee;
In life, in death, O Lord, abide with me.

Jesus is holding me fast and I'm being confident in that

This Ones for YOU

So i'm not even completely sure I should write this or post it or idk. I'm going to write a letter to Vickie because I have so much to say to her and I don't know what else to do with it. This is gonna be pretty emotional i'm just warning haha. So here we go

Dear Vickie,
I know that you know I'm talking to you up there and that you hear this. You were always so good at knowing me and knowing what I was thinking. There are so many things I want to tell you about. I selfishly want you here so so bad. Its not fair that you died because Cam and Tyler and Dave and Brandon and everybody needed you. I remember driving home from the hospital with my mother, she misses you so much, and crying listening to "Abide In Me'' and "All Must Be Well". I remember the first theatre class back we had to read our shakepeare monologes for the first time and I couldn't talk, you taught me Shakespeare. Ok, here goes the rest of what I want to say...bear with me please.
I Didn't let him win. You told me I was better and needed to go have fun, needed to go and enjoy myself. I went to that dance and didn't let him affect me, granted I was thinking almost only of you at that point. I just wanted you to know I listened to you. You were always so wise, your advice meant a great deal.
I didn't give up at school, I fought for that math class and decided that Earnest didn't matter. Thank you for constantly encouraging me through those things. We did Much Ado About Nothing. Kenton and I both spend alot of time thinking of you teaching us those monoloughes. I wish I could've worked on it with you, you would have really loved it. Kenton was Benadict and Este made an amazing Don Padro. I was antonia and ursala. On our final night, we remebered how much you loved this show. Those of us who were taught by you remembered what you ahd tought us, and in our final prayer Kenton said it best for all of us "THIS ONE IS FOR YOU VICKIE" and we all cried and cheered together.
I went to Kenya in November. I wanted to tell you about it. You always understood how much I wanted save the world, even though i don't think i made a dent. I found out what I wanted to do with my life and I'm working on getting there at UGA. Thank you for always believing I could get in, I wrote about you for my entrance essay. Thank you for believing in me, and reminding me that I was not made for highschool. Whenever I felt so incredibly out of place and wrong you helped me believe I wasn't wrong, just not in the right place, and that my differences were strengths. Thank you so much.
Thank you Vickie Wonders for understanding me. Thank you for teached me to be confident in myself and what I have to say. When I stand in front of a crowd I articulate with my feet firmly planted. I do not play with my rings-no more fidgiting- and I can project my voice. All because of you, and those are the tangible things you tought me. Thank you for being a friend to my mom, she loves and misses you more than i can put in words. THank you for respecting me, I'm sure i didn't deserve it from somebody ike you and the fact that you did anyway means the world. I wish that I had run across the parkinglot that friday afternoon and hugged you, I miss that hug and that smile all the time.
You were such a light to me, alot of times when I didn't have much light. I thank God I knew you and I'm learning to be ok with the fact that He is now holding you in His amazing house, but we do miss you down here.
I love you always, never forgotten.
this was my entrance essay about her just thought i'd share it
I was privileged to know Vickie Wonders Foltz. She was my theatre teacher and director, and could make students perform in ways they never thought they could. During my sophomore year in high school, she made me play a man and wear a beard. She taught me about myself and about what it looks like to actually develop and use my gifts. On October 10, 2008 Vickie suffered a brain aneurism and died shortly thereafter. I considered her more than a teacher and trusted her with more than my performance talent. When I saw her lying in her casket, I expected her at any moment to sit up and laugh at how she had put us all through such a scare. She was one of the most alive people I knew and to see her dead will remain one of the most difficult moments in my life. Her death was real and I was struck with how finite we all are. She was a person who took life completely spontaneously. Her death was such a surprise and I am inherently uncomfortable with surprise. Vickie has worked to change that in me. It was almost as if she were intentionally teaching me about life even through her death.

Grant us Peace Jesus, Grant us Peace

Carry Me Through

I'm sitting here thursday night (yes I wrote this but didn't post it) and i'm thinkinga bout some mountains I have yet to climb. This is metaphorical of course. I don't really have alot of words, i'm pretty tired and out of it right now so i'm gonna post some song lyrics i found encouraging. I am counting down the hours and maybe even seconds until I'm in Knoxville with my friends and others who I haven't seen in so long. the photograph is from Kenya, big suprise right?, but I just like that image cause its so much like us being carried, so completely helpless of carrying or even walking ourselves.
There's a mountain
Here before me
And I'm going to climb it
With strength not my own
He's gonna lead me
Or the mountain beats me
Carry me through
Carry me through

There's a river
Here before me
And I'm gonna cross it
with strength not my own
He's gonna save me
Or the river takes me.
Carry me through
Carry me through

Oh Lord be gentle
I'm just a man
Please don't crush me
Help me in.

Oh Lord remember
I try so hard
I walk and talk
Your kingdom love

There's a sinner
Here before me
And I'm gonna give them
Strength not my own
He's gonna carry me
when I get weary
Carry me through
Carry me through

Oh Lord be gentle
I'm just a man
Please don't crush me
And help me in

Oh lord remember
I try so hard
I walk and talk
Your kingdom love

Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Carry me through

Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Lord Sweet Lord
Carry me through.

I just loved this, these lyrics are so great. I also thought of these

Lift up your eyes and don't stand still
People of the world
And people of the will
Move on and on and on down this road.

Don't give up and don't give in
Someday you will be strong again
But there's still miles to go.

These are a pretty constant play list in my head right now along with a couple hymns, "Abide in Me" and "All Must Be Well"